Notes to my Doctor

I am not a lab rat. I am not a diagnosis, I am not a manila folder or a file on a computer, I am a person. Before I went to see a doctor, I believed that I was a bright, creative, passionate, and flawed but good person with infinite possibilities. Now I have become your label. I look in the mirror and see only limitations; the possibilities and potential have faded. Why even try. Whether you recognize it or not, you see me as a corporate lab rat, a number, and a statistic. My heart tells me I am not those things yet you persist. How ironic that you seek only to cure me with toxic and experimental chemicals, not as a human being, for if you were to treat I the human you would have to treat all of me. That would require nourishment, love, caring, help even. I understand it is difficult to love a statistic. Corporations and all their cogs can only love money. I am not money nor do I have much. I have become the unlovable statistic. There is no mercy or compassion for me. It is more profitable to treat than to cure. Fixes are in the eye of the beholder. Please remember that medicine is a practice, of a corporate and political nature, not a science and not necessarily humane.

It is interesting to find that so many experts in your field have so many varied fixes for that diagnosis that is me, the former human being. If all are right and insist others are wrong or recognize their failures, how can all suggest they are the ones with the proper answers for me? Whom do I trust?

Also you insist that all things can be fixed with your chemistry, you fail to admit that some things can be broken; a heart, a spirit, and while at times these things may be mended, it is never with your chemistry, but with humanness; will, drive, love, forgiveness, compassion, perseverance, time. Unless you have a time machine you cannot cure me of those things that are at the core of my trouble.

As with a dog that has been beaten for too long and too many times, I wince at what has hurt me before. You beckon me to it and congratulate yourself at your ingenuity.

Rants:

>Labels

They Call it Behavior Health (?!)

Really? Is that what this is all about? I have a behavior problem. Makes me sound like a little kid that simply needs a time out. Well I’ll tell you I do need a time out, from crap like this and their stupid labels.

I had a prof in college. I never liked her. But we got on well, she liked my enthusiasm, maturity and experience. Heck I helped run half her classes for her, and the projects I put together made the department look good, giving them a lot of local publicity and all. We worked together and I took classes from her for a couple years, (required for my major). One quarter I was not doing well and having a tough time getting my final project done. I wrote her an email explaining that I had bipolar and anxiety issues, hoping for yes… some slack cutting. I suppose it worked, not that I really remember. What I do remember is coming back to school the next quarter and seeing her in the hall. I swear she moved to the far side of the hall while passing me and from that point avoided me like the plague. As if I had somehow changed. I was no longer that star student the department had come to know and rely upon, but now some deranged potentially homicidal maniac. Labeled again.

I am a victim not a criminal.

>I don’t trust drug companies because I’m a paranoid freak

Wrong. I don’t trust drug companies because they do what they are supposed to do, that is act like corporations, quite well. They take care of their shareholders and their bottom line.

>What your doctor doesn’t know

What your doctor doesn’t know is anything about nutrition, supplements, eastern medicine, environmental impacts, who really paid for their textbooks, and the economics of treating versus curing patients. I honestly believe they really do not know the politics of pharmacology. What they do know is that testing for things such as mercury toxicity, vitamin deficiencies, allergies, and so forth is not part of a mental health care protocol and not what their bosses want them to be doing. Their sole function is to label and prescribe medications. The more the merrier. Jump on the assembly line.

My therapist doesn’t know what cortisol is. I had to explain it to him.

My primary care provider doesn’t think that there is mercury in amalgam fillings. After explaining to her that I had recently broken a tooth and that my mouth was full of a disgusting metal taste and that had had a sudden onset of frequent headaches, she did not deem it necessary to test me for mercury toxicity or do anything at all.

>Class warfare

Your doctor has a giant ego and is a snob!

>I am a control Freak

Because I like to have a say what goes on and into my body and brain. If I were really serious about improving my health blind trust would prove that.

>My medical health providers worsen my condition. Stress!